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Special Focus

AWID is an international, feminist, membership organisation committed to achieving gender equality, sustainable development and women’s human rights

Young Feminist Activism

Organizing creatively, facing an increasing threat

Young feminist activists play a critical role in women’s rights organizations and movements worldwide by bringing up new issues that feminists face today. Their strength, creativity and adaptability are vital to the sustainability of feminist organizing.

At the same time, they face specific impediments to their activism such as limited access to funding and support, lack of capacity-building opportunities, and a significant increase of attacks on young women human rights defenders. This creates a lack of visibility that makes more difficult their inclusion and effective participation within women’s rights movements.

A multigenerational approach

AWID’s young feminist activism program was created to make sure the voices of young women are heard and reflected in feminist discourse. We want to ensure that young feminists have better access to funding, capacity-building opportunities and international processes. In addition to supporting young feminists directly, we are also working with women’s rights activists of all ages on practical models and strategies for effective multigenerational organizing.

Our Actions

We want young feminist activists to play a role in decision-making affecting their rights by:

  • Fostering community and sharing information through the Young Feminist Wire. Recognizing the importance of online media for the work of young feminists, our team launched the Young Feminist Wire in May 2010 to share information, build capacity through online webinars and e-discussions, and encourage community building.

  • Researching and building knowledge on young feminist activism, to increase the visibility and impact of young feminist activism within and across women’s rights movements and other key actors such as donors.

  • Promoting more effective multigenerational organizing, exploring better ways to work together.

  • Supporting young feminists to engage in global development processes such as those within the United Nations

  • Collaboration across all of AWID’s priority areas, including the Forum, to ensure young feminists’ key contributions, perspectives, needs and activism are reflected in debates, policies and programs affecting them.

Related Content

Yelena Grigoriyeva

Yelena Grigoriyeva, que ses ami·e·s appelaient souvent Lena, était une défenseure connue des droits des personnes LGBT en Russie.

Membre de mouvements démocratiques, pacifistes et LGBT, Yelena était une féroce opposante au président Vladimir Poutine et son administration. Elle a notamment exprimé son opposition à l’annexion de la péninsule ukrainienne de la Crimée par la Russie ainsi que critiqué les mauvais traitements infligés aux détenu·e·s.

Yelena a fait part de sa bisexualité en 2019.

« Sa déclaration m’a surprise et je ne l’approuvais pas. Je lui ai dit : « Écoute, Lena, tu portes déjà une cible sur la poitrine du fait de ton activisme politique. Tu viens de t’en peindre une autre dans le dos », Olga Smirnova, compagne de lutte politique et amie.

Yelena a effectivement reçu plusieurs menaces de mort, et des proches ont déclaré que son nom figurait sur un site Web homophobe qui incitait ses visiteur·euse·s à tuer les personnes LGBT. Elle a fait part de ces menaces à la police, mais l’État russe ne l’a pas protégée. 

Mais même dans une société où l’opposition politique, les activistes et les membres de la communauté LGBT, qui se battent pour leurs droits, font face à une violence croissante, Yelena continuait à défendre la justice sociale et l’égalité.

« Elle ne manquait pas une seule action militante. Et ils l’ont arrêtée plus de fois que je n’ai pu en compter », Olga Smirnova.

Yelena a été assassinée le 21 juillet 2019, à proximité de chez elle. Un suspect a été arrêté, mais certaines sources et plusieurs de ses ami·e·s et compagnes et compagnons de lutte pensent que ce suspect sert de bouc émissaire, et qu’en fait, il s’agit d’un assassinat politique ciblé. 

Pour la famille et les ami·e·s de Yelena, son assassinat demeure irrésolu, bien que le suspect ait avoué. 

En 2013, la Russie a passé une loi interdisant la propagation de ce qu’elle a appelé la « propagande gay ». En 2014, Human Rights Watch a publié un rapport à ce propos (en anglais et en russe).

Snippet - That Feminist Fire Podcast Trailer (ES)

Kasia Staszewska

Biography

Kasia viene apoyando la labor de los movimientos feministas y por la justicia social desde hace 15 años. Antes de sumarse a AWID, se lideró las acciones de política e incidencia ActionAid y Amnistía Internacional, a la vez que participaba en procesos de organización feministas y de distintas agrupaciones por la justicia social en Polonia, en pro del acceso al aborto y contra la violencia en las fronteras europeas. Es una apasionada del financiamiento para la movilizaciónfeminista en toda su audacia, riqueza y diversidad. Reparte su tiempo entre Varsovia y su aldea comunitaria de trabajo artesanal en el bosque. Le encanta tomar saunas y adora con locura a su perro Wooly.

Position
Gerente, Financiamiento de los Movimientos Feministas
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La historia de Crear, Résister, Transform por Coumba Toure

Una experiencia mágica de narración feminista conducida por la feminista panafricana Coumba Toure, quien actuará en la antigua tradición de lxs griots de África Occidental.

Y nos reunimos nuevamente
Juntamos nuestras historias, nuestra fuerza
nuestras canciones
nuestras lágrimas
nuestra ira
nuestros sueños
nuestro éxito
nuestros fracasos
Y lo colocamos todo junto
en un gran cuenco para compartir
durante una luna de pensamientos
Y nos mantenemos en contacto
nos sacudimos las mentes unas a otras
nos acariciamos las almas 
mientras nuestras manos siguen atadas
y nuestros besos y abrazos están prohibidos
Sin embargo, nos hacemos más fuertes cada hora
entretejiendo juntas nuestras voces
cruzando las barreras del sonido
mientras hablamos en lenguas
 
Nuestras voces son cada vez más altas
Sabemos lo que nos diferencia de otras personas
y entre nosotras, de modo que
estamos bordando nuestras bellezas en un mosaico de pensamientos
desde nuestros aprendizajes más profundos, desde nuestros poderes
A veces nos rodea el terror
la confusión, la deshonestidad
pero nos lavamos en el océano de amor
Somos tejedoras de sueños
para vestir nuestro nuevo mundo
hilo por hilo
tan pequeñas como somos
como pequeñas hormigas construyendo nuestro movimiento
comopequeñas gotas construyendo nuestros ríos
Damos pasos hacia adelante y pasos hacia atrás
bailando nuestro camino de vuelta a la cordura
Sostenemos el ritmo de nuestros corazones: sigan
latiendo, por favor, no se detengan
Y aquí estamos, transmisoras de generosidad olvidada
gota tras gota creciendo como el océano
creciendo como el río que fluye de nuestras almas
mostrando nuestra fuerza para ser el agua
que limpiará este mundo
y nos estamos reuniendo nuevamente ¿pueden sentirnos?
Mentiría si dijera que para mí
está bien no verlas, extraño a mi gente
Extraño su contacto y
sus voces sin filtro y sin registro
Extraño nuestros susurros y nuestros alaridos
nuestros gritos de la revolución abortada
Solo queremos parir nuevos mundos
Entonces luchemos para borrar las fronteras entre nosotras
Por favor, no se detengan

FRMag - Armenians

Armenixs: el feminismo es nuestro pasado y nuestro futuro

por Sophia Armen

Guste o no, lxs férrexs ungerhouis han sido parte esencial de nuestras historias de resistencia y están aquí para quedarse. (...)

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Nadyn Jouny

The personal is political - and fiery and courageous Nadyn Jouny personified this feminist mantra. Nadyn experienced firsthand the pain of structural violence in legal systems that strip women of their rights.

When she decided to file for divorce, the religious Shitte courts under the Lebanese Personal Status laws, denied her custody of her young son Karam. Nadyn, like so many other women across Lebanon and other countries, was caught in the impossible pain of leaving an unwanted and abusive relationship and also losing the rights to her child. But Nadyn fought back, as she would until her last day.

She used her media savvy to become an outspoken voice to women fighting discriminatory family laws in Lebanon and internationally. Nadyn co-founded the self-funded group, “Protecting Lebanese Women” (PLW) and banded with many other Lebanese mothers facing similar custody issues. Together, they advocated to raise awareness of the injustices they were facing, protesting in front of the religious courts for their rights and bringing international media attention to extreme injustices they were facing.    

Nadyn also worked with ABAAD - Resource Center for Gender Equality, another women’s rights organization in Lebanon, to campaign for women’s rights, equality in family law and custody and against forced and early marriages.

For many of her colleagues, she came to “symbolize a Lebanese mother’s fight against suppression and misogyny of all sorts," using “her personal experiences and her individual journey of empowerment to give hope to others that they can be a catalyst for positive change.”- ABAAD - Resource Centre for Gender Equality, Lebanon

On October 6, 2019 Nadyn was tragically killed in a car accident on her way to protest unfair tax increases in a country already facing spiralling financial crisis. Nadyn Jouny was only 29 years old at the time of her death.

Snippet Stories of Change Full - Download (EN)

Faye Macheke

Biography

Faye est une féministe panafricaine passionnée, engagée dans les mouvements pour les droits des femmes, la justice raciale, les droits des migrant·e·s et des travailleur·euse·s, et la justice environnementale. Son activisme s'appuie sur l'héritage de la lutte contre l'apartheid en Afrique du Sud et de ses suites au Zimbabwe.

En 2019, Faye rejoint l'AWID en tant que Directrice des Finances, des Opérations et du Développement. Elle s’est efforcée de garantir que l’AWID respecte les principes et les valeurs féministes dans toutes ses opérations. Elle y apporte plus de 20 années d’expérience en leadership féministe, en stratégie et autres aspects du développement organisationnel et financier.

Faye est membre engagée du conseil d'administration de Urgent Action Fund-Africa et d'autres organisations de défense des droits des femmes. Auparavant, elle a occupé des postes de responsable des finances et des opérations chez Pediatric Adolescent Treatment for Africa et JASS - Just Associates Inc. en Afrique australe. Elle a également occupé des postes de direction chez International Computer Driving Licence (ICDL) en Afrique centrale et australe. Elle est titulaire d'une licence en sciences comptables de l'Université d'Afrique du Sud ainsi que membre du Southern African Institute for Business Accountants.

Position
Codirectrice Exécutive
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MANGO

Jurema Araújo Portrait

Jurema Araújo is a teacher-poet from Rio de Janeiro. She contributed to the magazine Urbana, edited by the poets Brasil Barreto and Samaral (RIP) and to the book Amor e outras revoluções (Love and Other Revolutions) with several other writers. In collaboration with Angélica Ferrarez and Fabiana Pereira, she co-edited O livro negro dos sentidos (The Black Book of Senses), a creative anthology on black women’s sexuality in Brazil. Jurema is 54-years-old; she has a daughter, three dogs, a cat, and many friends.

Mango Cover

Suck it with me? 

Mango is my favorite fruit.
I open my mouth
and suck it all,
Its flesh caught between my teeth
that turn soft not to hurt it
and I press it between my tongue and the roof of my mouth,
then I take it out to suck on every part of it
with the juice running down my mouth
drenching myself in this tasty nectar
and putting it all in my mouth again
because mango is seed and honey;
it is fiber and flavor.
And when it is over, I am entranced,
honeydewed, sweetened,
my lips all wet.
Ohhh, what is mango for if not for smearing.

Chupa Comigo? 

A fruta que eu mais gosto é manga!
Porque eu abro a boca
E meto toda pra chupar!
Se os dentes a prendem
Fazem macio para não machucar
E eu pressiono entre minha língua e meu céu
Depois tiro pra sugar cada parte
Sentindo o caldo escorrer boca afora
Me molhando com esse néctar gostoso
E metendo toda na boca de novo
Pois manga é caroço e é mel,
É fiapo e sabor
E quando acaba, estou extasiada
Melada, docinha
Com os lábios molhados!
Aaahhh, manga é pra se lambuzar!


Introducing The Black Book of Senses

I’ll admit it: when Angélica and Fabi invited me to curate a collection of erotic texts by black women, I didn’t know what curatorship was. I understood the erotic well, but curatorship... I smiled, feeling shy and flattered. I think I thanked them – at least I hope I did – and thought to myself: what the fuck is it?! This fancy word I’ll have to learn the meaning of while doing it, what is it?

Now at this point, I know what it is to be a curator: it is making love with someone else’s texts, with someone else’s art, with the intention of putting a book together. And that is exactly what I did. I undressed each text of every author of this book with a literary lasciviousness. And I got involved in the words and senses of others. I was penetrated by poems I didn’t write; tales I didn’t even dare to imagine turned me upside down, messing with my feelings, with my libido. And it was a wonderful and unusual orgasm: ethereal, corporeal, sublime, at once intellectual and sensitive.
These texts pulsated like a clit hardened by desire, drenched, dripping joy in every reading. Words that swallowed me with their naughty significance, making me dive deeper into this wet universe. 

These black women went to the bottom of their arousals and turned their deepest erotic fantasies into art. These works are impregnated with each writer’s own way of experiencing sexuality: freely, blackly, for ourselves, in our own way, empowered.

I chose to spread the texts throughout different parts of the book, each one organized according to the most delicate, explosive, evident, or implicit content they presented.

To open the door to this “invulved blackessence,” we have our Preliminaries section, with texts that introduce readers to this world of delights. It is a more general, delicate caress to acknowledge the subjects addressed by the texts in the rest of the book.

Then comes the heat of Touch, addressing what the skin can feel. That energy which burns or freezes our bodies, makes our hormones explode and starts to awaken the other senses. And although there are many of us who are voyeurs, the contact of skin with a wet and warm mouth is exciting, like wandering through the softness of whomever is with you. We are seduced by the firm or gentle touch that gives us goosebumps and that lovely discomfort that runs from the neck down to the back and only stops the next day. And the warmth of the lips, the mouth, the wet tongue on the skin – oh, the tongue in the ear, hmmm – or skin on skin, clothes moving over the body, almost like an extension of the other’s hand. If there is no urgency, that wildest arousal of the pressure of a tight grab, a bit of pain – or a lot, who knows?

The Sound – or melody? – section shows us that attraction also happens through hearing: the voice, the whispers, the music that enables the connection between the bodies and can become the theme of desire. For some of us, someone with a beautiful voice would only need their vocal cords, because that harsh or heavy or melodious sound would be auditory sex. Their loud swearing or sweet words whispered in the ear would be enough to give us hair-raising shivers from neck to coccyx.

Decorative element


In Flavor, we know the tongue does a good job tasting the most hidden places and wandering through the body to delight itself. Sometimes this organ is used, boldly, to taste the other’s nectar. The idea of someone sharing their strawberry or a delicious, juicy mango through bites and licks – or licks and bites – melts us. But nothing is more delicious than tasting the caves and hills of the person you are with. Stick your tongue deep inside to taste a piece of fruit... or spend hours tasting the head of a cock in your mouth, or suck on a delicious breast to taste the nipples. This is all about memorizing someone by their Flavor.

There are texts in which the nose is what triggers desire. The Smell, my dear readers, can awaken us to the delights of desire. Sometimes we meet a person who smells so good, we want to swallow them right through our nose. When you run through the other person’s body with your nose, starting with the neck – wow, that delightfully uncomfortable shiver that runs down the spine and undresses the soul! The shameless nose then moves to the back of the neck and captures the scent of the other in such a way that in the absence of that person, smelling their same scent evokes, or conversely, invades in us olfactory memories that bring the arousing smell of that person back.

We then get to Look – for me, the betrayer of senses – in which we perceive desire from a point of “view.” It is through sight that the texts present desire and arousal, through which the other senses are brought about. Sometimes a smile is all it takes to drive us crazy. The exchange of glances? That look that says “I want you now.” That look of possession that comes to an end when you stop fucking, or not. That one is very particular; it draws the other who won’t be able to look away for long. Or the sidelong glance – when one looks away when the other turns their head, like a cat-and-mouse game? Once we are caught red-handed, there’s nothing else to do besides breaking into a wide smile.

Finally, the explosion. Wandering through All senses, the texts mix feelings that seem like an alert, so there is the greatest pleasure, that orgasm.

Of course, there is nothing explicitly separating these poems and tales. Some are subtle. Arousal engages all our senses and, most importantly, our heads. That’s where it happens, and it connects our whole body. I organized the poems according to how they came to me in each reading. Feel free to disagree! But to me, there is a sense through which desire goes and then explodes. Realizing which one it is, is delightful. 

Being able to turn arousal into art means freeing ourselves from all the prejudice, prisons, and stigma this white-centric society has trapped us in.

Every time a black writer transforms the erotic into art, she breaks these harmful racist chains that cripple her body, repress her sexuality, and turn us into the object of another’s greed. Writing erotic poetry is taking back the power over her own body and roaming fearlessly through the delights of desire for herself, for others, for life.

The literary erotic is who we are when turned into art. Here we show the best of us, our views of love drenched by pleasure, seasoned by the erogenous, spread through our bodies, and translated by our artistic consciousness. We are multiple and we share this multiplicity of sensations in words dripping with arousal. Yes, even our words drip with our sexual desire, drenching our verses, turning our sexual urges into paragraphs. To come, for us, is a breakthrough.

It is necessary to make our minds, bodies, and sexuality black, to reestablish our pleasure, and take back our orgasms. Only then will we be free. This whole process is a breakthrough, and it happens painfully. But there is happiness in finding ourselves to be very different from where we had been placed. 

I feel like I am yours, I am ours. Taste, delight yourselves, feast on these beautiful words with us. 


This text is adapted from the introductions to “O Livro Negro Dos Sentidos” [The Black Book of Senses], an erotic collection of poems by 23 black female writers.
 

Cover image for Communicating Desire
 
Explore Transnational Embodiments

This journal edition in partnership with Kohl: a Journal for Body and Gender Research, will explore feminist solutions, proposals and realities for transforming our current world, our bodies and our sexualities.

Explore

Cover image, woman biting a fruit
 

التجسيدات العابرة للحدود

نصدر النسخة هذه من المجلة بالشراكة مع «كحل: مجلة لأبحاث الجسد والجندر»، وسنستكشف عبرها الحلول والاقتراحات وأنواع الواقع النسوية لتغيير عالمنا الحالي وكذلك أجسادنا وجنسانياتنا.

استكشف المجلة

FRMag - Dieula and the Black Dolls

Dieula et les Muñecas Negras (Poupées noires)

par Ana María Belique

El Batey Naranjo est une communauté un peu à l’écart de la ville mais regorgeant de personnes travailleuses et enthousiastes. (...)

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< illustration : « Tejedoras de sueños » (« Tisseuses de rêves ») , par Diana Mar

Doris Valenzuela Angulo

Doris Valenzuela Angulo fue una activista social afrodescendiente, líder y defensora de los derechos humanos, de Buenaventura, Colombia. Fue parte de Comunidades Construyendo Paz en los Territorios (CONPAZ), una red nacional de organizaciones de comunidades afectadas por el conflicto armado que propugnan la no violencia y la justicia socioambiental.

Doris desafiaba la constante violencia paramilitar y las presiones de los megaproyectos para desplazar a su comunidad, así como la complicidad del Estado. Enfrentando uno de los contextos más difíciles de su país, tuvo un rol de liderazgo en una iniciativa de resistencia no violenta sin precedentes llamado «Espacio Humanitario Puente Nayero», una zona urbana para la cohesión comunitaria, la seguridad, la creatividad y la acción colectiva.

Esta singular lucha no violenta de las familias que pertenecían al «Espacio Humanitario Puente Nayero» atrajo la atención y el apoyo de organismos locales e internacionales. Hacia septiembre de 2014, la Comisión Interamericana de Derechos Humanos había establecido medidas cautelares de protección para la comunidad, y había ordenado al Estado colombiano hacer lo necesario para preservar sus vidas y su integridad personal. Sin embargo, las amenazas y la violencia de los paramilitares continuaron. Doris centró sus energías en evitar el reclutamiento forzoso de niñxs y jóvenes por parte de los neo-paramilitares, y siguió haciéndolo a pesar del asesinato de su hijo Cristian Dainer Aragón Valenzuela en julio de 2015. Doris también se convirtió en blanco de ataques, y recibía amenazas por su activismo y el trabajo que realizaba continuamente.

Las persistentes agresiones y amenazas contra su vida forzaron a Doris a abandonar Colombia. Residió en España desde febrero de 2017 hasta febrero de 2018, e integró el Programa de Protección Temporal de Defensores y Defensoras de los Derechos Humanos de Amnistía Internacional para activistas cuyas vidas están en riesgo.

En abril de 2018, Doris fue asesinada por su ex-marido en Murcia, España. Tenía solamente 39 años.


Tributos:

«Doris, pasar un año entero contigo nos ha enseñado cómo una persona puede tener la capacidad de transformar y generar esperanza ante hechos profundamente negativos y devastadores sucedidos durante tu vida...Seguimos con nuestro compromiso en la defensa de todos los derechos humanos. Siempre nos guiará tu valentía y tu luz.» Montserrat Román, Amnistía Internacional Grupo La Palma

Fragmento de «Palabras para Doris Valenzuela Angulo» por Elsa López

«Tú lo sabías. Siempre lo supiste. Y a pesar de todo te levantaste firme contra tantas injusticias, tantas miserias, tanta persecución.Te alzaste, altiva y feroz, contra aquellos que querían hacerte de nuevo abandonar tus esperanzas, humillarte y rendirte. Puesta en pie clamaste por tu libertad y la nuestra que era la tuya. Nada ni nadie paralizó tus esfuerzos por cambiar el mundo y hacerlo más generoso y habitable. Tú, viva entre nosotras, más viva hoy que nunca entre nosotras a pesar de la muerte. Viva siempre por tus gestos, tu valor, tu grandeza al clamar por una tierra prometida que llegaste a invocar con cada uno de tus gritos por todos los desiertos que habitaste. Tú. Siempre viva. Doris Valenzuela Angulo. 
Son sólo palabras. Lo sé. Yo también lo sé. Pero las palabras nos unen, nos protegen, nos dan fuerza y aliento para seguir caminando hacia la luz que tanto defendías.»

Snippet Forum Quoate Sara Abu (ES)

El Foro es un ejemplo vivo de lo que el más grande NOSOTRXS podemos hacer. Vamos al Foro, somos semillas, luego nos sembramos. Esto lo tenemos que celebrar.
- Sara Abu Ghazal, Líbano

Miriam Rodríguez Martínez

Juhi

Biography

Juhi is a tech enthusiast with a Bachelor's degree in Computer Engineering from Gujarat Technological University and a postgraduate background in Wireless Telecommunications and Project Management from Humber College. With a passion for problem-solving and a love for staying ahead in the ever-evolving tech landscape, Juhi has found herself navigating through various industries as an IT Technician. to the nurturing environment of the School Board, Juhi has had the opportunity to apply her technical skills in diverse settings, always embracing new challenges with enthusiasm. Beyond the code and circuits, Juhi loves life's adventures. Exploring new places and cultures is like a breath of fresh air to her. Whether it's discovering hidden gems in the city, trying out exotic cuisines, or embarking on thrilling adventure sports, Juhi is always up for new experiences.

Position
IT Support Coordinator
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A Collective Love Print

The Circle’s Conspiracy of Writers | Wazina Zondon

Decorative element
Teta Research Network
Wazina Zondon Portrait
Also known as the Teta Research Network, The Conspiracy of Writers was founded in 2021 in the context of Kohl’s weekly writing circles. The Network is a transnational group of queer and feminist writers who engage in collective writing, thinking, and world-making.  Wazina Zondon is an Afghan raised in New York City. Her storycollecting and storytelling work centers collective memories and rites of passage in the diaspora. Currently, she is working on Faith: in Love/faith in love which (re)traces her parent’s love story and family’s inherited love print.

 

Love is a contraband in Hell,
cause love is acid
that eats away bars. 

But you, me, and tomorrow
hold hands and make vows
that struggle will multiply.

The hacksaw has two blades.
The shotgun has two barrels.
We are pregnant with freedom.
We are a conspiracy.

It is our duty to fight for freedom.
It is our duty to win.
We must love each other and support each other.
We have nothing to lose but our chains.

- “Love” by Assata Shakur

Cover for article A Collective Love Print showing two people kissing

“If we can inherit trauma, can we inherit an imprint related to love?”

That is the question Wazina Zondon asks in her collective memoir Loveprint. Loveprint is a wandering, an overlap, a deviation that (re)creates, at the intersection of interviews and personal essays, our family’s stories and insights on love, partnership and romance. Under Wazina’s guidance, the circle’s conspiracy of writers came together and attempted to reproduce this literal blueprint in the form of collective writing, where our different stories, our genders and sexual identities complement and contradict each other. With our voices overlapping, we complete each other’s sentences to create a conversation, a memorial, pieces of ourselves that speak to a “we.”

What are the origins of your love print?

I am a so-called “happy accident.” There is much narration about this – an accidental life, one that is entirely wanted at the same time. I feel this shaped my way of loving, I don’t just fall in love; I risk the slips that lead to the fall. Perhaps it made me an amor fati kind of person. 

I was told that I was an unwanted child. So I grew up to become an unwanted adult. The origins of my love print are based on being eternally unwelcomed. I am not a fruit of love or any happy feelings but rather one pain and burden. I don’t have a love print – at least not in this sense.

I know for a fact that both my parents were in love at some point, but mental health is such a demon, and until one confronts their demons, there is no winning.

I will never associate “love” with my parents or normative family. Love growing up was full of violence and responsibilities I didn’t sign up for or was even ready for. For the longest time, it felt like life and love were about carrying a big rock uphill. While my parents “loved each other,” it was a toxic ethos of violence, jealousy, and insecurity to grow up in. I grew up wanting to crave stability, and this is what is me now. I am a risk taker, but never in my “love space.”

I don’t know why my mother chose to host a child (me) within her.
She does not love in this form.

My mother tells me that if I have to think about “finding” love, I should never look at her marriage as a template. My love print comes instead from my raising dogs for the last two decades (18 years to be precise). The other way around is true as well – they raised me. I understand more and more about love and its many layers in their company.

I haven’t known love from a “print.” In our household we don’t talk about love. I had to teach myself how to love. It was hard work. Still, I fail and still, I keep on trying and I fail everyday. Perhaps failure is my love print.

My love print is the care, warmth, and understanding I give to others
surrounding me, whether a stranger, a friend, a relative, a lover. 
My love print is political – uncalculated and unthought of.

I was born under heavy shelling. 
My love print is the negative 
print of that.

Lessons learned about love

I know more about what love is not than I know about what love is. 

Love is neither anxiety nor panic.

Love is not asking permission to live or breathe. It is always about love and there is no love without freedom.

Everything you do is about using your heart except love. Love is about using your mind. 

Sometimes I fear that my love language is lost in translation.

--- There are many ways
to map the origins
of how to
how not to
love
not love
love just enough
love far too much
some love
some loss
to love
to love lost ---


I cannot stand the idea of the couple. I cannot stand the idea of living alone while aging either. I am tired of doing the chores alone, moving houses alone, paying rent and bills alone... I imagine getting a stroke alone, and it scares me. I have no plan of “partnering up.” I want a world where I can get married to a friend, buy a house with a friend, not have sex.

Loving many does not corrupt a love shared between two, and whether love is romantic or not is really not that important.

When I reflect on the shoddy state of my relationships, I realize that I am in the relationship I was trained to be in. With all my “radicalness” I have not yet unlearned shitty gendered norms.

My need for stability feels “not radical” enough. I want to get out of this labeling. I want something I never had. I want to make it beautiful. I want to feel beautiful and safe – and only stability makes me feel that. Safe, sound, knowing home is neither about violence nor strife.

 

--- Love print – love to smell the books to see 
where they were printed
I try to think of the origin of my 
understanding and practice of love
Do we need origin, it is not the same as purity? 
No purity or origin of love. 
Why is it understanding and practice, 
and not “emotion” that comes to mind? ---

 


When I call my parents, I don’t hang up the phone after we’ve said
goodbye, so I can hear the sounds of home.

What do we need to be/feel loved in death?

During my Sunni burial, I want all the women and men to come together for my burial. What’s with not being able to go say goodbye to dead people from a different sex? It will be Sunni because my mother would want it to be. It will be eco-friendly; no need for the headstone. I love all burial rituals. Quran is good, but I also want music. I really like Asmahan, Um Kulthum, and The Stone Roses.

I have a Monday-Friday playlist and two different ones for the weekend: one for Saturday and one for Sunday playlist. I would like those who loved me to play the music that I used to listen to, respecting the days – with some margin of tolerance as long as they stick to the playlists.

I want to be surrounded by the one(s) who have loved me, even for a moment. And in music and embowered in fresh cut flowers. I don’t want to be discovered dead; I want to pass away mid-laugh with loved ones.

I want to be remembered as someone who loved.

I don’t need to feel loved in death. I need the people around me to feel I loved them, even after I die. Being loved in death is about those who are alive. So I think more about how we come together as a living and loving community in the death of those we love and live with. How we take their memories with us. How we become archives of their lives.

 --- Sometimes, you can only love people in their death. ---

I have to think back to the body being connected to a space. My family is very tiny and although we come from different places, it is as if every generation moved somewhere new. Perhaps this is the reason why death is not connected to a special place, a cemetery. It is common in our family to bury the dead without names or gravestones, or to distribute the ashes in the wind. I feel at peace with this kind of spaceless remembrance. The idea that my ashes fertilize new life gives me the sense of being loved, being remembered through recreation. My grandmother died earlier this year due to complications after the vaccination. Two hours after she died, my family sat laughing tears about her jokes, her hilarious way to tell stories. We laughed and loved, and it was as though she sat with us again. This is what would make me feel at peace – fertilizing soil, fertilizing conversations, and collective remembrance.

--- There were
Two streets that I used 
To walk
To run
To play
To stay

There were 
Five hours when the sun
Was hot
The sky was blue
The earth was green

There was 
A flower I could
Smell
Touch
Squeeze
Crush

There were
The friends I could
Caress
The food
I could 
inhale
The language
That would roll off my
lips

There might still be

Those many places

And things

And people

After me  ---

Perhaps a promise that I will be “spatially commemorated” as a plant and taken care of in turns until it becomes a tree is enough. No name, no plaques – just the plant/tree, and knowing that it will be cared for. As for my body, I want to be cremated without any rituals and my bone ashes set free in the Arabian sea.

I need my body to be treated as subversively as it’s lived.

I do not want to be buried next to my family. In this tiny drawer next to all of the people who never knew me. Trapped in death as I was in life. I want to be cremated, and my ashes finally set free. 

I want to be allowed to pass, not hang in the in-between, so it is a presence, an active process, a trespassing.

I will ask of you: 

  • To release me and let me pass
  • To not let nostalgia muddy this moment because I will ask only for the normalcy of your expressions
  • I have snuck the gentle glimpses and hoarded away the already small and large ways you loved me in order to be sustained. I kept myself alive on these
  • To set a finite amount of time to grieve
  • To be be reminded there is no separation in the beauty of loving; it is infinite and it regenerates without the body

I want to be remembered for the love I put into the world.
I want my body to be given away, and my organs
to further fuel love in (an)other live(s).


--- The smell of jasmine ---


 

Cover image for Communicating Desire
 
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This journal edition in partnership with Kohl: a Journal for Body and Gender Research, will explore feminist solutions, proposals and realities for transforming our current world, our bodies and our sexualities.

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